2. family.

i fucking hate my family.
i live with my mom and two brothers. my mother hates the living fuck outta me, and i never did anything to her. she’s always yelling at me and making me feel like shit for no reason at all. were always yelling at each other and i know she favors my brothers. they’re “perfect” in her eyes, i guess i was the fucked up one. they do honors, get straight a’s, play tons of sports and instruments. i have c’s in all my classes, can’t play any sports or instruments good enough. i wear glasses and have ADD. i haven’t had a room to myself since june, seven fucking months. first i had to move to my mothers room, then i didn’t have a room at all, then into the rec room, now i’m back in my moms room. all because of our dumb ass exchange students who are clearly more important than me. alex only had to move out of his room for two weeks in the summer. it’s not fair. i feel like they don’t even see me as a family member, just a problem that they can move out of their way but never get rid of. you’d think that being the youngest sibling and the only girl would make them treat me with atleast a little respect? no, i’m the annoying little sister who sits in her room all day because i’m “antisocial”. fuck you all, i’m not antisocial. i just hate all of you. ryan, you’re ten years older than me. that never stopped you from getting violent with me. i still have the scars on my arms from you pinning me down and digging your nails into me to scream in my face when i was in 5th grade. what did i do to deserve that again? oh yeah, i told you to get out of my room. mom why are you so mean to me? you’ve never called me pretty or told me you were proud of me. not one single time in my whole life. everytime i try to have us do something together as mother and daughter, you blow me off for your boyfriend or tell me its a stupid idea. the only time you talk to me is to yell at me or tell me to clean something. i’m grounded every other day because you think its fun to punish me for no reason at all. i wish i could move in with my dad, i would do it in a heartbeat. but he doesn’t have the money to support me. my dad is the only family member i love, i hardly get to see him though. i love you dad. i wish you knew how bad things are for me here. i know you would step up and say something, but i dont have the guts to tell you yet.

4 days ago  /  0 notes

4 months ago  /  0 notes

1. boys.

boy #1
i’m so sorry. for everything. everything i’ve put you through, intentionally or not. two and a half years is a damn long time to like someone, especially someone like me. you’ve treated me better than any boy i have ever been with. and i’ve treated you worse than any person i have ever talked to. you have always been there for me, listened to me whine and bitch about the littlest things even if it meant going out of your way to hear me complain. you can always make me laugh or smile when we text, and i wish we could talk in person the way we do through the phone or computer. i mean it. we have tried to hang out multiple times, but i’ve ditched every single time. i’m really sorry about that. when your mom was diagnosed with cancer, i wasn’t there for you. not only was i not there, but i was a huge bitch about it. now that i realize that i feel fucking sick to my stomach. i’m not that person… i’m not that mean. but i am to you, and i never knew why until now. its because you love me. despite the number of times i have made you cry, how depressed i make you, how harsh i can be, how many times i’ve told you to fuck off, how many times you would try to talk about your mom and i just said “k.” or “dont care”. i’ve put you through all of that and more, but you still love me. and that’s why i’m mean to you. i have a tenancy to push away anyone who actually shows they care about me, and you’ve showed me more than that. so my instant reaction was to try and take you out of my life completely. i’m sorry. sorry for liking your best friend too… at first everyone was joking with you to make you mad, i didn’t actually like him. but then i actually got to know him and started to like him more and more, but it only lasted a good week. were just friends now, i promise. and i know the words “i promise” don’t mean anything to you coming from me considering i have broken almost all my other promises to you, but please believe me on this one. i want to let you know that the last rumor you heard about me and another guy isn’t true, yes i went to his house. no, we didn’t do all those things. you know me better than that. and you’re right, you do deserve me more than anyone else. i’m not out of your league. in my world, leagues only exist in sports. no one person is better than the other, it’s just not possible. but you have poured your heart out to me, fought for me, and cried over me countless times. why shouldn’t you deserve me? but for some reason… i just don’t want you like you want me. you don’t think i’ve cried over you too? you cry because you love me, and i cry because of the way i treat you. so i have decided to stop being a fucking asshole to you and treat you like a human being, even though you deserve more from me. i just can’t give you more than that. so, one more time, michael i’m sorry. for everything i have ever done or said to you.

boy #2
i am completely, undoubtably, one-hundred percent in love with you. it only took two weeks for me to see that. and by the time i realized it, our time was half way over. you were one of my exchange students during the summer and yes, you’re 9 years older than me. i don’t care. watching you do anything was like watching my favorite movie. your jokes always made me laugh, and i actually learned a lot from you in the month that i knew you. you are so good at everything you do… how? whether its cooking, soccer, volleyball, dancing, learning, teaching, literally everything. i admire you completely. watching you drive away to the airport was the single hardest thing i have ever had to do. when we were giving our last hugs, i held on for just a second longer. and i know you saw it. i have no idea what your feelings are for me. you probably just see me as the girl you met last summer, whats her name. i wouldn’t blame you, i was so shy around you. everytime you asked me a question my heart skipped a beat. i remember when you added me on facebook, we talked for two hours straight, from 10 to midnight. you had school the next day, i told you to go to bed and you said you wanted to stay up and talk to me :) i didn’t get butterflies. more like fucking world war 3. but now you’re gone… half way around the world in south korea. you have a girlfriend and judging from pictures, you two are pretty happy together. thats good. i’m happy for you i guess. what can i do about it. i still love you as much as i did six months ago, and i know i will feel the same another six months from now. i miss you. i love you, kibaek <3

boy #3
i don’t even know where to start. we started off great, got along perfectly. you were one of those people i could talk to about anything. it was nice. i could text you for hours, even days on end and never run out of things to say or get bored. i really did like you a lot, even though i never showed it. but once we became more than friends everything started to change. i felt like you only wanted me because you thought i was some easy chick. that you only wanted to fuck me then leave me. and you werealways high. i didn’t mind that you smoke, not in the least. but i did mind that you never remembered our conversations. after it wore off i had to remind you what we talked about the night before. so i thought, whats the point in being involved with someone who hardly remembers who he’s with? we started arguing more, too. like literally every night we’d fight, then wake up in the morning and be okay. i hated it… why was it like that? before we would agree on everything and never argue. then all of a sudden its like every word started a big fight and our only reason for talking was to piss the other one off. so i left you. you begged me to stay, promised that you loved me. that you were “in love with me”, i still don’t know if i believe that one was ever true. you said you got depressed after i left, and tried going sober for one day… and ended up cutting yourself. all because of me. i felt like shit. but i had to stay strong with my decision, and i’m glad i did. we haven’t talked in a month and i kinda miss you still but it’s whatever. i’m sorry i put you through hell, i really didn’t mean to.

4 days ago  /  0 notes

4 months ago  /  0 notes

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4 months ago  /  377 notes  /  Source: childyouareloved